


Mr Bennet's All-Encompassing Guide to Daughter-Rearing

by Hiniwalay



Category: Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Genre: Canon Compliant, Diary/Journal, F/M, Gen, Humor, Philosophy, Satire, Starring: Our favorite indolent escapist dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:01:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26680312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiniwalay/pseuds/Hiniwalay
Summary: Rule #1: Don’t even try.
Relationships: Elizabeth Bennet & Mr. Bennet, Elizabeth Bennet/Fitzwilliam Darcy, Mr. Bennet & Fitzwilliam Darcy
Comments: 46
Kudos: 121





	1. Initial Pages

THE ALL-ENCOMPASSING GUIDE TO DAUGHTER-REARING

by Thomas Bennet of Longbourn

1811-1814

* * *

DEDICATED TO:

My sanity.

* * *

FOREWORD

Please excuse Papa.

\- Elizabeth Bennet

* * *

INTRODUCTION

There would have been a table of contents, but that required effort.


	2. Observations

CHAPTER 1: OBSERVATIONS  
  


  1. Women are frivolous, unless they are called Lizzy or Jane.  
  

  2. Silliness increases with birth order, the silliest of all being the birther.  
  

  3. They say that the subject of the previous point is the greatest miracle, but _they_ have never known the burden of a large brood. No; it is peace and quiet that is the true great miracle.



* * *

"Silence: the most beautiful voice." - Anon.


	3. Fatherly Duties

CHAPTER 2: FATHERLY DUTIES

* * *

"You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today, but you can possibly escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it forever."

\- Abridged Lincoln


	4. Precepts for Maximal Living

CHAPTER 3: PRECEPTS FOR MAXIMAL LIVING

"The right thing is often the hard thing," they say. But they also say, "Truth is subjective." Who then, are we to believe?

Whilst we may ponder over this conundrum for the rest of our lives, it comes to my attention that a few precepts _are_ necessary to keep living. I have therefore compiled a list of my greatest wisdom. It is as follows:

  1. Perhaps what you could do will change things for the better, but frankly, it is not worth the effort to find out.
  2. Laugh at the naysayers.



* * *

"Our greatest weakness lies in never giving up." - Thomas A. Edited


	5. Diary Log: Where is the Sense?

DIARY LOG, THE SUMMER OF 1813:

When one is surrounded by frivolous nothings and nonsense, it is necessary to raise up a child with sense. Lizzy has been my life’s sanity anchor for twenty years now. She is the only thing keeping me from retreating into the social destitution of an insensate bookworm.

Unfortunately, the side effect of raising children with sense is that they also develop a mind of their own. It was not easy to persuade Lizzy to be at ease with my decision to send Lydia to Brighton. I wonder where this new consciousness of decorum was born? I taught her to laugh at such things. Oh, well. It is of small consequence. I daresay she shall get over it and shall soon be back to laughing at the family with me.


	6. Diary Log: Addendum

ADDENDUM:

It is at rare times like these that I genuinely regret my negligence.


	7. Diary Log: Addendum Again

ADDENDUM:

Not anymore.


	8. Diary Log: Addendum Finalem

ADDENDUM:

Oh, very well. A little, I suppose. Lydia may forever be shackled to a wasteful blackguard. And how is it that Mr. Darcy stole my favourite daughter from under my nose?!


	9. Checklist of the Prerequisites for Lizzy's Beau

CHECKLIST OF THE PREREQUISITES FOR LIZZY'S BEAU

1\. He must possess a sense of humor.

_Lizzy: I assure you that he is delightfully witty, Papa, and has a keen sense of irony._

_Mr. Bennet: (grumbles about being usurped by a no-good whippersnapper)_

* * *

2\. He must put Lizzy's needs first.

_Lizzy: If you would like me to describe in detail how he satisfies my needs..._

_Mr. Bennet: LALALALA (pushes her out of the bookroom and slams the door)_

* * *

3\. His property must meet my standards. The libraries, for example, are to be inspected. I reserve the right to confiscate any books that do not pass my scrutiny.

_Lizzy: ..._

_Mr. Bennet: What? The concern is valid!_


	10. Rantings

RANTINGS

My new son-in-law is presumptuous. He has sent me an exquisitely crafted, leatherbound, limited edition of Aristotle with my name on it.

It had an innocuously earmarked page. Do you know what it says?

" _Happiness does not consist in amusement. In fact, it would be strange if our end were amusement and if we were to labor and suffer hardships all our life long merely to amuse ourselves... The happy life is regarded as a life in conformity with virtue. It is a life which involves effort and is not spent in amusement."_

Effort? Not amusement?!

Presumptuous!

_(devours the edition anyway)_


End file.
